I had an interesting comment about my blog yesterday. One that I wholeheartedly agree with. She said my blog seems like my heart converted into a “T” format.

One of the things that people often classify me as when they meet me is an intellectual or in the framework of Myers-Briggs a “T” or on the Enneagram a “5”. It makes me really sad because it means that I am hiding myself. At heart I think because I feel.

So much of my gender training has been about control of emotions and the hiding of them. I am in awe of my friends who can weep as they talk about some pain or some joy they or others have gone through. There is such strength in it. Such ability to connect with what is.

Even more restrained is my ability to express joy. I have never danced for it. It is another of my birthrights stolen from me. But I am learning. I have whooped in the surf and rejoiced in the pure delight of a perfectly timed forehand smash! One day I will be as free as a 2 year old!

I am sad that I am yet to learn to show my friends how much I love them. I am overwhelmed with their beauty and on a side note would like to photograph them all nude…


6 Responses to “Heart”

  1. Jesse Says:

    Great writing. I am very interested in what you have to say because I am sure you’ll enlighten me to a few things. I’ve been surrounded by the modern church culture for so long that it’s become tired, so it’s encouraging to hear from someone who has a healthy attitude towards sex and yet still loves Jesus.

  2. Heather Says:

    Hi Fergus,

    As someone who also has struggled much of my life with expressing emotion, I hear the deep sadness in what you are saying.

    And yet, I wonder about your connecting this constraint to those personality-classifying systems. Could it not be that God has made you a “T” or a “5”? In that case, surely you need to learn to express your heart *within* that, not deny it? Wouldn’t trying to become an “F” or whatever be a distortion of a distortion, not a healing?

    I may have got it wrong, as I’ve always fairly actively avoided Myers-Briggs et al, despite various of my friends finding them very helpful, so I’m not hugely informed on these things. I would be interested in your response to my musings.

    I do know that, through the grace of God, the steady love of my husband, and oddly, through spending the last 7 years mostly on my back alone in a quiet room, I no longer feel that glass wall between me and the world that used to pain me so much. And yet I suspect I, too, would be classified by most who know me as being an intellectual.

    • fergasm Says:

      Actually I am very much an F on Myers Briggs. When I write though I suspect the medium affects how I come across. As to expressing sadness and joy I do definitely feel a cage around me.

      • Heather Says:

        Ah. I misunderstood. And was a bit surprised by where you were putting yourself on the T/F spectrum.

        Incidentally, I checked the ‘notify me of follow-up comments via email’ box, and didn’t receive an email notifying me of your response. Is there some setting you have that disables this? Although it could of course also have been a random glitch…

        –H 🙂

  3. fergasm Says:

    I have no idea about settings that effect email notifications… will search.

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