My sexuality

I have written this post about 5 times now.Initially it was a an attack on the fear and silence that surrounds sex. I suspect that this is an indication of how important this topic is to me and how much I want to get it right.  I believe this blog will very often will be about sex and my excursion in to the topic of sexuality has got to start with me.

I grew up feeling that about the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen to me is that someone could catch me with an erection. In the church I was taught that my attraction to the beautiful curves of femininity was an evil thing. To this day I am not sure how I was meant to find a mate in this framework.

I came to see my arousal as violence against its object. Somehow by looking at a women’s beautiful breasts or bottom and getting aroused I did violence to them. Now days I can understand how a woman might feel threatened by the male gaze in a world where rape is a reality but at 16 I was not thinking of this. I just knew that I was somehow diminishing this woman by becoming aroused. I was subjecting this pure person to the filthy touch of my base desires. Later I think this same sense of the evilness of my gaze found a new framework in the idea of objectification.

I remember so clearly the first time a woman expressed to me in touch and word her enjoyment and appreciation of my cock. It was a healing moment and I remember it with tears. I treasured her caresses so much more for the gateway it opened in my own heart to accept my penis and my desire as holy and welcome than for the arousal they brought. Her fascination was a balm to my spirit and I will always be so grateful to her.

I think I’ll need to continue this later…


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